Tears in the Night

How hard is it to give an answer to a question? Granted that question is complex and not to be taken lightly but, when it comes down to it all that is required is a "Yes" or "No" answer. My answer to this complex question is "No" actually its more like "NO WAY IN HELL" but you get the picture. When you are morally against something on every level, but desperately want to give in because someone you love is asking for you to do it, why is it so hard? I wanted to say yes, but the word would not form on my lips because I knew as soon as I said it I would regret it. But I can't help but wonder if every answer I give is a loose loose situation. I know as long as I say no that he won't do it. But its so painful to go through this every time. To know that I can't give him anything and the one thing he asks of me I really can't give, even though I want to be able to give him the satisfaction he craves I can't do it. I am stuck here and its so hard. I fell so sick right now. I feel so lost and afraid and hurt and lonely. I know he loves me. And I love him so much. But this pain is horrible. I don't want to keep feeling this way because it hurts so much. I can't talk to anyone about it because they don't understand. They don't feel what I feel and they can't understand why. People always say they will do one thing but when you haven't experienced it you really can't say anything. I use to say that I would do one thing, but I don't think I could. People say that if someone says this or that they don't really love you when that isn't always the case. I just don't know what to do. There are so few options available that I feel so trapped. I'm so afraid that I will loose him. And I really don't want that to happen because I love him so much. But I'm so afraid that the distance is going to kill us. It causes issues now, I don't know what to do. I love him so much. Right now I just hurt so bad. I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what to do. I just don't know what to do. I can't say yes. So for right now this is just the way that things have to be.

So much has been going on.

So much has happened since my last blog. I am staying with a friend and we have had our ups and downs. School is slowly making its way through the months and my homework is getting done. Justin has the opportunity to be stationed in germany for a couple of years. I told him to take it and he for it. Now he is just waiting for orders and i am trying to find a way to get there myself. I miss him so much. His leave was postponed so i don't know when i will see him again. The distance is really hard right now. I didn't talk to him last night for the first time in a long time. It made me very sad. There is a lot of stuff going on at home too. My sister has to be in a wheelchair for school and my mom has to pay to repair a lot of stuff that has been breaking in the house. I have been overwhelmed and wish that everything would solve itself. But life doesn't work that way. So im stuck with this feeling of being overwhelmed. Anyways im done for now. Hopefully i will keep this more up to date.