Day 12

Twelve days have passed and I had another break down, and i dont even know why. I was laying in bed watching Switched at Birth, a very good drama, and all of a sudden my chest clenched and I started to cry. I couldn't stop until i logged onto facebook to distract me which i find incredibly sad. Yes i miss, more than anything in the world and I love him to death, with my whole heart and soul, but what does crying do? It doesn't solve anything, it doesn't change anything and it doesnt bring him back to me. Nothing can do any of those things but time.  I have a plan to see him, we have plans to move in together, we are working through this and planning out our future and we both seem to want the same thing. He seems to want me there with him as much as i want to be there with him, which i didn't think would happen. I know he loves me, just sometimes I dont realize how much. I am doing all sorts of things, trying to get through the days and the one big stress, besides him not being here, is how much germany is going to cost and what the cheapest option will be. It is going to be very, very expensive, and I am going to go over there for at least three months, nothing will stop me from doing that. I just hope I can go for longer, so we can be together longer and get to know each other even better.

I bought a collage picture frame today and can't wait to fill it with pictures of him and things that remind me of him. I also filled my picture frame I bought the other day and I think it turned out really well. I am trying to get my things together of what I need to take down to my aunts house so that I have everything, I am going to have to make two trips down there, one tuesday for my orientation, and one next weekend. I dont know what to do really. I have yet to write Justin a letter, I think im afraid once I actually send him something it will make it just that much more official. I really want to send him a picture of me in a frame, but I don't know if he will like that or not. I will probably do it just because. I want to send him a blanket that smells like me, and something that is mine for him to hold onto. I know he isn't into that stuff like I am but just for a moment I want to pretend that he is.

Picture of the day

Two promises

to always return, and never leave

That was my picture of the day for facebook. The claddah ring is my promise to always be here for him, willing to work out our issues and to never leave him. The other is the promise ring he gave me, to return home to me, and to love me forever.

The greatest happiness in life

is to LOVE

and be loved

This is a picture of the frame I bought and the picture I placed inside of it. There is one more frame I want to buy to put a picture of just him in, and the I have the collage photo frame, and I have a feeling im going to have to buy a second one of those. I have a lot of pictures I want to display around me all the time. I love my baby so very much. I love you baby, with all of my heart and soul and I swear that I am never going to leave your side. You have me hooked, and I wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. Sweet dreams, my love, my heart, I will hold you tonight while I sleep and dream of you and I hope you know I am always thinking of you. Stay safe, and be careful, we will talk to one another soon.

Day 11

Its been eleven days and I finally had a conversation with my baby at 4 am this morning over facebook but it was totally worth it! We talked about my schooling and how he likes it over there and it was just so good to talk to him. I couldn't hear his voice but not only is it better than nothing, talking via message is second best to a phone call or skype date. We still have a lot of things to work out regarding my school but its all good. Im just happy he still wants me to go over and stay with him for a lengthy amount of time.

My orientation is next tuesday. And today, i woke up early and hung out with a friend and her daughter (who ended up staying over last night) and another friend and we went out to eat lunch and then did some shopping and i bought a really cute picture frame to put a picture of me and Justin in, I have been meaning to do it for a long time now so im really happy I finally found one at a good price. I am so tired right now i could sleep for hours, but another friend wants to see me and talk about her wedding plans tonight so I have to head over there and see her. We havn't hung out since Justin was here so im actually really glad that we are hanging out now. Well, thats all im going to post for tonight, keeping it short and brief. The pic of today is down below.

Goodnight baby, I love you and I miss you so very much. Im so glad you are enjoying your time in Germany and I will see you again before you know it. I love you baby, stay safe and we will chat really soon.

Day 10

Its been ten days since Justin left and I miss him so much! Ick, I hate not being able to talk to him. Anyways I woke up this morning with a new facebook alert for a message but it wasn't him. So i did random stuff on facebook like played the sims and then a friend ended up coming over and we actually had a really good conversation. I was afraid for a while because she is best friends with the chick i really dont like but we were able to talk and we actually got along really well. She is actually ending up staying the night with her baby. She did my makeup and took a couple of pictures that were really cute and super amazing. Im going to send them to Justin. Here is my day ten photo which was also taken by laura... we edited it a little.

I think its gorgeous! Im so happy with it. I a really tired right now so this is going to be a super short blog post. I love you baby, i love you with all my heart and I really hope that I get to talk to you sometime soon. Take care of yourself and stay safe I miss you baby. I will send you a letter/package really soon. Love you and I will meet you in my dreams.

Week 2 Day 2 (Day 9)

So im on day nine since Justin left for Germany and I think im holding up pretty well. Yes I still wear a t-shirt of his whenever possible, Yes I still wear his dog tags, Yes I still wear his watch, Yes I still sleep with his teddy bear, and Yes I still look for his scent everywhere in my room. I miss him so much, but today I babysat danniel for cindy and made a couple of dollars which was nice. And I have plans to socialize with people tomorrow *shudder* and no I have not heard from him since tuesday when he gave me his address. Now that I have cash I have to go to the post office and get those flat rate boxes. And I have a couple of other errands to run. I miss him so much he is on my mind all day everyday. I like to think im on his mind just as much. I really hope we can chat soon and figure out the plan for me studying over there.

Leo is playing with his toys and making those cute sounds of his. I still have to pack up everything Im going to take to my aunts house. I should probably make a list. And I need to get folders together for the three weddings I am helping to plan. So see, I have things going on to keep me busy. And a new aquaintance showed me today a easy way to make some extra cash every month which I am definatly going to do. If i was more artistic I would have allready started selling stuff, but im not so i havn't. I am also going to work on looking for a job and my aunt might be able to add me to her gym membership. The sims is on facebook and that is how i have been entertaining myself.

I miss my baby, I miss him so much and I love him with all of my heart and soul and I really hope that I can talk to him soon. I feel like im going to break everytime i think of the time we have to be apart but I have the hope we can be together again very soon. I love you baby and I miss you so much. Be safe and take care of yourself and we will talk soon.

Day 9

One week and One day down... day 8

Its day 8 and today I woke up feeling like crap. I checked my phone for a message and it said he had just sent one so i sat straight up, which made my vision go black because i had a migraine, and logged onto facebook as fast as I could. Of course I missed him, its ok though, I think we was only logging on to send me his adress. Which I have now and can start planning on things to send him =D

But yeah, woke up with a migraine and intense neck pain, I totally slept wrong last night, got online stayed on for about an hour then layed back down hoping more sleep would take away the pain. It didn't and my head was throbbing. So I got up and logged on facebook. Probably not the best idea, i avoided medicne because i hate using drugs if i dont have to but it just got worse and worse all day. I didn't move from my bed unless I absolutly had to. At one point it got so bad that i couldn't move at all for fear of vomiting. My taste buds are off and the headache is coming back so im thinking I may have caught a flu virus of some sort or something. I don't know, I will have to see how I feel in the morning before I make any final judgments.

Day 8 pic. I also posted a ton of other pics onto facebook, i was going through my phone so i could transfer it and found a ton. I still have quite a few pics I need to take of so I guess it will have to wait another day before I use my old phone again. His scent is fading from my room, from the fabric, and from the air. Its depressing because im not ready to let him go yet. I still want to have his scent here so it feels like he only left for a couple of minutes and will be back soon. Still wearing his dog tags and watch and I dont plan on taking them off any time soon. I miss him so much. I think im going to the post office tomorrow to pick up some of those flat rate boxes... if they aren't too expensive. If they are it will just be a letter for now until I get some extra cash.

Im done writing for tonight, I feel depressed and just want to curl up into a little ball and space out watching television which is exactly what I plan to do. I love you baby with all my heart and soul, take care of yourself and we will talk to each other soon. I miss you.

It's been one week since you looked at me... Day 7

Thats right folks, one week has passed and I wish I could say that time was flying by but its not. Thankfully I have facebook to keep me occupied. I am a member of a lot of military support groups and today I was made an admin in one of them. Its great because I can initiate games and give people help when they are having a tough time like I am. Nights are still the hardest. But i do have some good news, He sent me a message on facebook today I only missed him by 40 minutes. You can bet i was kicking myself for rolling over for a couple more minutes of sleep. But you know what alot of stuff like that happens. He told me the cell he bought wasn't meant for international use, only local in Germany. He also hasn't worn his hoodie because it still smells like me, I thought that was really sweet. I miss him so much, I cried today when I realized what I had missed him by, it was tough. Im really not use to not hearing from him and I can honestly say that I really hate it. I thought I had my phone set up to alert me when I recieved a new facebook message but turns out I havn't and I dont know how to do it.

Theres the photo for day 7, I was told I look pretty but I feel like crap. Today I watched nothing but disney channel and did stuff on facebook. I also watched a movie with my mommy and I think im going to watch hudson hawk when im done blogging because I really love that movie. Its so funny. His scent is beginning to fade and I don't know how to hang onto it. I'm not ready to let it go yet, Im not ready to give up any part of him. I know it will happen eventually wether i want it to or not, but im really hoping I can hold onto him for another week, just until I have something going that will keep me busy at the very least. Please let his scent linger for that much longer. I think I may have a hard time falling asleep tonight, I hope I dream of him, and get to hold him close. I love you baby so much, you are in my heart and soul for all of eternity. Stay safe and we will chat real soon love.

Day 6

Almost one week has passed since he left and its getting a little easier although I still miss him as much as I did the day he walked onto the airplain. Im not crying nearly as much and have yet to cry today, although I havn't layed down for sleep yet so I may have just jinxed myself. I watch the videos I took of him at look at pictures everynight and I also listen to my one saved voicemail from him. I wish I could talk to him again, but I know that probably wont happen for a while. I dont care if he wakes me up in the middle of the night honestly, I would give anything to hear his voice. Our last phone conversation was cut off before I could say my "talk to you laters" and I dont know if it was him or the phone running out of minutes. I may have found a way to talk to him lots for cheap but I have to talk to him about it first.

Mommy and me watched celtic thunder storm tonight and it was really good, although I was distracted through half of the programing by things moving in the corner of my eye. And now its time for bed and I am worried about what may happen tonight. I feel cold all over and while im always cold, this cold has an odd chill to it. I have my Simba and Charlie Bear to watch over me and my amethist to help me sleep. Then there is everything Justin left me which has absorbed his energy and that should really help keep the bad things away, especially the dreams. I miss him so much, I wish there was a way to talk to him at this very moment and tell him everything that has happened. Im use to talking to him everyday and telling him everything and the past week I have been able to tell him nothing and heard nothing about what he has been going through at his new station. I dont know if he has made new friends (although im almost certain he has, people tend to flock to him) or when he will be in his permanent room, or how he likes it there or anything. It is upsetting to me because i like sharing in his everyday life... and there aren't many I could talk to who understand what I mean when I say things.

I have my baby kitty Leo who will watch over and protect me. He is a good cat and I love him very much. Justin aproves of him and told him it was his official job to watch over me while he was away, it was really cute cuss Leo kinda bowed his head in acknowledgement then gave both of us love before walking around my room like an inspection. He is such a sweetheart. I will be so sad if I can't take him with me to my aunts house. Speaking of which I need to start packing up all my stuff and figure out what exactly I want to take and how I am going to make it all fit.

Day 6 Photo



I know im not dwelling on Justin as much in this post, but dont think that means I dont miss him because I do so very much, but I need to get out and do things while he is away. I can't sit in my room and cry all the time. I have to see people and socialize (even though I hate it) and I have a life to live and plans to work out and then put into action. Like my t-mobile cell. Its unrealiable because it turns off in the middle of use so I have to find my old one and hope that it works. Anyways I think I have rambled enough about nonsense that I can comfortable miss my baby while I lie in bed and try to sleep.

I love you baby, with all my heart and I wish for your safety and hope to see you everynight in my dreams. Take care of yourself and quickly adjust to the time difference so you get a decent amount of sleep. Dont sleep in and miss work. And figure out a way to contact me soon so I know your ok. I love you my sweet, my dear, my life. I will hold you tonight in my dreams. I love you, I miss you, stay safe.

Day 5

Nothing exciting happened today. I went to my aunts house and got my futon set up as well as my adjustable laptop desk. We had a problem setting up the wireless internet router. Then we ate red robins for dinner. And came home and I cuddled up on the couch with charlie bear. I wore his broken watch today as well as the tags and a shirt. Now im wearing my favorite t-shirt he gave me and getting ready to watch a movie with my mommy.

I love my baby and I miss him terribly. I tried to call the number he called me from today but of course it wouldn't connect :( I knew it wouldnt but that doesn't help. I really dont like not being able to talk to him. Im spamming his inboxes with little e-mails saying short I love yous and long blather. But I dont know what else to do. I miss him so much and since I can't talk to him to get that release I do these other things.

Pic of the day posted to facebook. I miss my baby so much, I want to cry all the time but I can't keep doing that because my mom is tired of seeing me cry and hearing about it. She just doesn't understand and I am not that strong right now. I am slowly getting my strength back. I love you baby. I love you so much. I miss you so much. Take care of yourself. Stay safe. I will meet you in my dreams and hold you again soon. We will talk in no time. Love you baby, I love you.

Day 4

Last night I dreamt my baby was with me again and we cuddled and held each other close knowing he only had a couple of minutes until he had to go back. I didn't want to wake up from that dream because it was so nice, I could almost feel his arms around me.

Last night was hard, i fought sleep for the longest time because I was afraid of having another nightmare. Thankfully I didn't have one. I dreamt of my love.

Today I searched for cheap ways to call each other and I think I may have found one. I sent him an e-mail describing the details.

Today I got a six minute phone call that left me in tears. He was so drunk he was throwing up and he sounded so miserable. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him close. He kept telling me he missed me and he wished I was there, I told him I wished I was there and missed him too. Then he had to leave because he wasn't sure how many minutes he had and I cried so hard because I missed him and I was relieved to finally hear his voice and know he was ok and I wanted to talk to him more. I wanted to be selfish and use all his minutes. I wasn't done hearing his comforting, loving voice. But the phone call had to end and it did. I dont know when I will talk to him next but I really hope that it will be soon.

Yesterdays picture was me having fun with picture effects, and todays was me cuddling with charlie bear and I think the picture actually turned out quite good. Since I dont have any kids to take pictures of I can only take random pics or pics of me doing random things. I have a feeling most of the pictures are going to end up being of me and charlie bear or just charlie bear.

I think they are cute, although some people probably think im silly and pathetic. But hey, I am a hopless romantic with my silly and pathetic moments which I actually have quite often and my baby loves and accepts me anyways. Im pretty sure the silly stupid things I do make him smile more than anything else even though he would never admit it. He likes to act all tough, but im slowly breaking down those walls he has up. I love my baby and I am so thankful, so greatful for the call today. I hope I get another soon or he gets internet soon. Either one would work for me really. I miss him so much but im glad he is safe. I love you baby, take care of yourself.

Day 3

Last night was just as hard it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I had another nightmare last night and i.dreamt of having to say goodbye to him all over again at like seven different airports. I listened to babe by styx and it made me cry so hard because the night before he left he held me in his arms singing it to me and stroking my hair. I miss him so much. And i was doing so well today until i saw what time it was in germany and i wanted so badly to give him a wakeup call but i cant. It made me cry again. I really hope he is settling in well and i hope i get to talk to him soon. I love him so much and i miss him. I want him back but until i can have him i will hold onto our memories, his teddy, tshirts and tags. Love u babe. Take care of yourself and we will talk really soon.

Day 2

Its the second day of being away from him and I just have to say that last night was hard, almost as hard as watching him walk onto the plane because i layed in my bed and had nothing but the memories of us and longed for his warmth and embrace. I watched the videos I had of him recorded, to hear his voice and see his face, I looked at the pictures, and I listened to my one voice mail. I didn't dream of him either, but i did have a night scare and that really shook me up. I really hope I dream of him tonight, because sometimes when I dream of him I can almost feel his arms around me.

Waking up wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I clung to his shirt and charlie bear, so thankful that I had those small pieces of him to hold onto. I logged onto facebook almost immediately to distract my mind but by noon i was bored and logged off. That was my first mistake, my thoughts wondered and it made the afternoon harder so I decided to watch some TV, then mom came home and I helped her make dinner. We are watching TV now and I'm just trying to keep the time passing. I really wish it was the weekend so I could go set up my room at my aunts house for school.

I sent him an e-mail and a facebook message so hopefully he will get Internet soon and I can talk to him to know that he landed safely and is getting all set up. I miss him so badly. This year will pass by quickly and then I will be able to join him for a short time in Germany... hopefully. To pass time I'm blogging and keeping track of daily pictures to show the passing of time.

The first one was a pic of my Simba (stuffed animal from childhood) and Justin's Charlie Bear (stuffed animal from childhood).

The second was a combined picture of me touching noses with charlie bear.

He posted on facebook a really sweet status update. "Walking off that terminal and on to that plane to leave her behind was one the hardest things i have ever had to do, i miss you babe" and it made me cry really hard. He doesn't normally post anything mushy like on facebook so it meant a lot to me.

I just really miss him and I want him back right now. I know that's not going to happen but I want it anyways. I'm going to save up a lot of money so maybe I can visit him during a break from school, maybe Christmas or something like that. Spring break might be better, I will have to talk about it with him and see what he says. I have no idea what his schedule will be like at his new home. But hopefully we will be able to work something out. I will have to see what his ideas are like I said, and see how the saving up of the moneys go because visiting another country is not cheap.

Anyways, that's my update for day 2, I'm done for now. I will post again tomorrow. Hope I dream of you tonight baby, I love you so much and cannot wait to hear from you. Stay safe.

Day One, Week One, Month One, Year One

Day one of separation, week one of separation, month one of separation, year one of separation.

He boarded the plane last night at 11:30 and watching him walk through the terminal doors was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my entire life. I know it wasn't any easier for him because he looked back at me before walking through. I don't know if I have ever cried so hard in my life as I did last night, because it was the beginning of our two year separation. He is stationed in Germany for 2 years and as of right now I have no idea when I will see him next, hear his voice, or even just hear from him to know he is OK. We don't know yet how we will communicate or if we will be able to call each other. Skype is an option but first he has to get his Internet set up.

I'm trying to do everything I can to distract myself from the fact that he isn't with me. I'm wearing one of the shirts he left me and last night I slept with his teddy bear and the set of dog tags he left. Its so hard being without him even though that's more normal than being with him. He was here for less than two weeks but we became so much closer in that small amount of time than we have been previously. I don't know what I'm going to do with ought hearing from him everyday, its going to be torturous. But like I said I'm trying to keep busy. I already uploaded all of the pictures I took while he was here to facebook and tagged him in them. Thank god facebook is there for a distraction, if i didn't have it i would probably be going insane right now but while I'm on it I can tune out my thoughts.

I did so much better this time when he with here with not crying on him. Last time I cried alot but i only cried three times not counting the night he boarded the plane which is a whole lot better. We had a couple of small problems while he was here but we worked through them and I think its a part of what brought us closer. Some people don't understand why we are the way we are or why we agree to what we have agreed with or even why we are still together even though he is in a different country for two years, but they aren't in our situation, they don't have to go through what we have to go through. For "normal" relationships, its very hard to understand a military one unless you have been in one yourself. Your point of views change and so do you. Anyways, we worked through our issues and told each other a lot of truths that were held back and I think we are that much stronger for it. I miss him so much right now.

He bought me a promise ring and it is absolutely gorgeous, some people say its more of an engagement looking ring, but its a promise ring. He has amazing taste in jewelry and knows what I like. It also represents him so I'm really happy with it. Its white gold (which is awesome because I hate yellow) With cubic zurconia stones and the two bands separate from each other but I wear them together. I wear my Claddah in the engagement position but its really just my promise to him that no matter what happens we will work through it an I will be here for him. We will get engaged when we are both ready and not a moment sooner. Besides I think we don't need to be engaged because we are just happy where we are right now in our relationship. Why rush and ruin it?

I'm already planning what to send in his first care package, he has requested I send him a couple pairs of shoes that wouldn't fit in his bag and I have two games to pick up for him that he pre-ordered. As soon as I get his address I'm going to send him a letter at the very least. I'm also going to send him photos and maybe a video recording of me. I wish I could still call him to wake him up in the mornings, I'm going to miss that.

My distractions while he is away are thankfully going to be very time consuming so hopefully I wont have a ton of time to dwell. I'm going to start studding at a new school for a Bachelors in Interior Design and I will be living with my aunt for a while well I go to school and try to find a job so I can hopefully get my own apartment. Also, I have two friends who have asked for my help in planning their weddings which are a couple of years down the road so I can look up stuff for them in my spare time. It will help because its what I want to do for a living.

I'm also going to try to do a picture a day sort of thing on facebook and post on here daily even if its just a line or two. The time I spent with Justin while he was here was amazing and it just solidified my belief that we are meant to be together. Even when things were tense we still were able to work things out and smile in the end. I miss my baby so much and I just want him to return to me. I'm going to do my best to find a way to get to him. I love you baby and I hope you have a safe trip and a wonderful time adventuring in Germany. Take lots or pics and take care of yourself. I miss you already <3

Update on my life...

So it has been a really long time since I last blogged, and all i have to say is that I have not really wanted to write anything. But i think it's time for an update. I am no longer in Bremerton, my friend had her beautiful baby girl and is with family right now. I am home, debating on what to do with my life next. Justin and I are still together even though we have our rough patches, especially with him having to go to Germany so soon. I miss him tons and I really hope I will be able to see him before he leaves. Even if I don't see him, I will still fight my hardest to make our relationship work. I love him so much, and he loves me. So with that I say we have some sort of a fighting chance.

I am looking into going to IADT in Seattle for interior design. It is something that i have always had an interest in, and something that I think i would enjoy doing. In middle school through part of high school I was seriously looking into it as a career choice but then something happened that discouraged me, so I gave it up. I can't even remember what that discouraging thought was so now I am back to it. When I get bored I doodle out room designs and go online furniture hunting for what I would put in each room. I can spend hours on the Sims decorating a house and then never play the family again once the house is done. I draw out designs for furniture I would want put in my room and before I re-arrange it I always draw out a game plan. It entertains me so I think its something that I would be good at. Plus i could always use it to go into party planning or wedding planning or something like that. I think i will have to live within commuting distance of a large city in order for this to be a career option. But i defiantly think that is do-able.

As far as Germany is concerned, the school does have options to study abroad that I will be taking full advantage of. I will save up money to visit Justin as often as possible. I'm so scared about our upcoming separation. We are separated now, but with the ocean between us it is going to be really hard. However, really hard does not mean impossible and I am determined to see this through. I already have a plan of what i want to send him every month. =D It doesn't matter if he wants me to send him stuff or not. He is getting a little box every month and tons of letters because when I write, I write a lot. But seriously, we had a deep conversation last night and it leaves me more determined than ever to make things work out. He is having a rough time right now and I wish I could be there to hold him and help him through it all. I know that's not in the cards for us right now, but someday I will be able to do that and much more for him. For now, i can just be here, supporting him through it all.

On a side note, My room is re-arranged with the larger bed in here so I wont be kinking my neck when I sleep anymore which is a really good thing. My mom tours the school tomorrow and will talk to a financial advisor, so hopefully that all works out, and If we have time we are going to stop by the housing center to see what the dorms will look like. I guess there really isn't all that much to talk about after all. And here i was thinking that I was going to have this monster of a post to write but I'm all blogged out. I guess I will just say goodnight.

Tears in the Night

How hard is it to give an answer to a question? Granted that question is complex and not to be taken lightly but, when it comes down to it all that is required is a "Yes" or "No" answer. My answer to this complex question is "No" actually its more like "NO WAY IN HELL" but you get the picture. When you are morally against something on every level, but desperately want to give in because someone you love is asking for you to do it, why is it so hard? I wanted to say yes, but the word would not form on my lips because I knew as soon as I said it I would regret it. But I can't help but wonder if every answer I give is a loose loose situation. I know as long as I say no that he won't do it. But its so painful to go through this every time. To know that I can't give him anything and the one thing he asks of me I really can't give, even though I want to be able to give him the satisfaction he craves I can't do it. I am stuck here and its so hard. I fell so sick right now. I feel so lost and afraid and hurt and lonely. I know he loves me. And I love him so much. But this pain is horrible. I don't want to keep feeling this way because it hurts so much. I can't talk to anyone about it because they don't understand. They don't feel what I feel and they can't understand why. People always say they will do one thing but when you haven't experienced it you really can't say anything. I use to say that I would do one thing, but I don't think I could. People say that if someone says this or that they don't really love you when that isn't always the case. I just don't know what to do. There are so few options available that I feel so trapped. I'm so afraid that I will loose him. And I really don't want that to happen because I love him so much. But I'm so afraid that the distance is going to kill us. It causes issues now, I don't know what to do. I love him so much. Right now I just hurt so bad. I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what to do. I just don't know what to do. I can't say yes. So for right now this is just the way that things have to be.

So much has been going on.

So much has happened since my last blog. I am staying with a friend and we have had our ups and downs. School is slowly making its way through the months and my homework is getting done. Justin has the opportunity to be stationed in germany for a couple of years. I told him to take it and he for it. Now he is just waiting for orders and i am trying to find a way to get there myself. I miss him so much. His leave was postponed so i don't know when i will see him again. The distance is really hard right now. I didn't talk to him last night for the first time in a long time. It made me very sad. There is a lot of stuff going on at home too. My sister has to be in a wheelchair for school and my mom has to pay to repair a lot of stuff that has been breaking in the house. I have been overwhelmed and wish that everything would solve itself. But life doesn't work that way. So im stuck with this feeling of being overwhelmed. Anyways im done for now. Hopefully i will keep this more up to date.