If only in my dreams...

If only in my dreams I could be with him again. Hold him and feel his warmth against my skin. If only the days would blend into one. Time would stop like it had never begun. If only I could be by his side. At this very moment with no mention of pride. Both our guards down and all walls crumbled. That one true moment of honesty when nothing else matters. Looking into his eyes and knowing what he thinks. Knowing that he loves me no matter the time or space. I miss him so much, I couldn't be more clear. He loves me as much as I love him, I can express it while he holds it within. I can be patient and I can wait. Because he is my soldier, I love him most dear. He is my only, forever, that is clear. I fear that one day he will leave my side, I cannot breath and only cry. My chest clenches and the water flows. Because of this I truly know that I will love him every day of my life. It does not matter how much i suffer because I know deep down in my soul. He was made for me and I for him. He is my whole world. He is my everything. And if tonight in my dreams, if only in my dreams, I can hold him for a moment then for that second I would feel complete.

If tonight I dreamed of my soldier, holding me in his arms wrapped tight. Protecting me with all his might. If tonight I dreamed of my soldier, who at this moment is far away, then I would feel blessed. If i dreamt of his voice, caressing my skin, like the drops of rain, I know that I would feel him although he is away. Sometimes I feel as if he is near me, and others I fear that I will lose him. I know he is mine, and together we work things out. I know that he loves me, and wants us to work out. I just wish that he wasn't so far away. So if tonight I dream of my soldier, I will be thankful for I know that he is dreaming of me.

I miss Justin very much right now. I just read online somewhere about one woman's experience of sending her man off on deployment. I wasn't there, to send him off. We were then, as we are now, across the country from each other. But as I read, I cried because I know the feeling she experienced. When he left me after his R and R and I was at the airport with him, sending him off. I felt many of the same emotions she had. I cried so much, and I know I made it harder for him to leave me, he told me himself. I remember we were standing in line and I was waiting for him to board the plain and I just wanted to hold onto him as tight as I could and not let him go. I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him but about the only words I could get out where "I love you". He started to respond but couldn't even finish because it was making it more difficult. I understand his point, and when they called his name I knew I had to leave before he even started to board the plain because if I watched I might have done something like begging him not to leave. So as he lined up I grabbed my bag and started walking away. He was standing next to another military man, and they were talking. He didn't look back at me, at least not that I saw, and after my last glance I turned and didn't look back because I knew I would have a hard enough time as it was. I am crying just remembering all the emotions I felt.

Justin hasn't called tonight, and because of the time difference and what time it is right now I don't think that he will be able to. It is selfish of me to want to talk to him tonight like I do every night. But I just feel so helpless and insecure when I don't hear his voice. I am so tempted to call his cell phone just to hear his answering machine but I do not want to wake him up if he is asleep because he had to get up really early this morning. I miss him so much and I know I am spoiled because I talk to him every night. I want to continue to be spoiled and hear his voice right now. I cannot. I'm not sure if I am suppose to text or call, but I will probably send him a text before I go to sleep just in the hope that he is having one of those nights where he just stays up late. The chances are slim but I am foolish enough to hope. He told me he may not be able to call, but I just really want to talk to him and have him reassure me that everything is alright because without that reassurance, and I know this is stupid, I have a hard time falling asleep and an even worse time staying asleep.

That being said, I believe I must go to bed because I must be up fairly early in the morning as I have things to do. I didn't get the homework done today that I wanted to accomplish because some things happened and I just felt like today was a really crappy day. So I watched Gilmore Girls and tuned out the world. I do that a lot when I have things on my mind that I do not want to think about, and today was just one of those days where I wanted to be anywhere but here. It had to do with my college expenses and how I was going to have to pay for them. Some things were said that made me feel like a huge leach on the household and the funds. Jobs are not easy to come by. Especially where I live and with the fact I have no experience, no degree, and no training. I cannot make a commitment to a job because I have made other commitments to family and friends. Someone told me they had to make sacrifices when they were my age and mentioned that maybe I wouldn't be able to fly out and see my "friend" again like i did at Christmas. Well I have news for you buddy, He is not just a mere friend. He is my BOYFRIEND and I am in LOVE with him. If I have the opportunity to see him I'm going to take it because it may be the only time I get to see him for many months at a time. So screw your sacrifices. I am making sacrifices. I have no life. I don't hang out with my friends hardly at all anymore. I wake up and go to school and come home and repeat the process the next day. When I do hang out with friends they come over to my house and I end up doing homework while they are over. So you can stuff your "sacrifices" because I make sacrifices every day of my life and I don't appreciate you reminding me of the fact that I am stuck here, unable to move out or pay my mother back when she has little money of her own. I feel like a worthless piece of crap. And this person made me feel that way with the things he said. I am seriously upset and agitated right now. So for tonight I am done with my ramblings and ravings and I will leave this blog for a post another day. Sorry for unloading that all on anyone who reads this but I feel a lot better letting out my frustrations if only that feeling better is for a little while. Goodnight world, may your dreams be filled with those you love tonight.