Hold on tight... Its gonna be a long one

So, where to begin? Well there has been so much going on lately I don't really know where to start. I have had a lot of pent up emotions, and I have been sick for a week, I am drained mentally and emotionally and I just feel like I am done with just about everything and everyone.

Ok, so as far as me being sick. I got sick last Saturday and have spent all week recovering. Right now I just have a really bad cough that makes my sides hurt and I have a lot of congestion. I try to take  medicine for it but it doesn't really seem to be working. The only good thing that has come out of it is that I have been able to catch up on sleep and because of all the snow we have right now I only had to miss one day of school. Hopefully this weekend I fully recover so that I don't have to miss anymore. I have learned another benefit of having classes online, you can still get your work done even when your stuck in bed all day!

Ok, so as far as pent up emotions go... I have a really good friend and the past couple of weeks she has said and done some things that pissed me off and hurt me. I didn't know how to talk to her about all of it so everything just stayed bottled up inside me needed an outlet and I couldn't find one so I just kept getting angrier and angrier. Well the other night I was talking to her and she brought up something that I didn't have any idea about and was talking like I knew all about it and I freaked out because I have no memory of ever talking to the person it involves  about it. So I called her up because I felt like trying to explain why I was upset on skype wasn't getting me anywhere, and during the phone conversation I felt like she wasn't listening to what I was trying to say and was just brushing it aside like I was freaking out for no reason. Well, needless to say I sent a text to the person it involved asking about it and he said he talked to me about it, but it's been three days now trying to remember and I still can't remember ever talking to him about it. Well he talked to her and then told me I needed to talk to her and have an adult conversation so last night we did a video call on skype because I wanted to say everything face to face. The conversation didn't turn out like I expected it to. Everything seems to be resolved but I still feel like there is more we need to talk about.

Anyways, because I have kept everything pent up it has lead me to feel mentally and emotionally drained and yesterday I spent a good hour crying. I didn't really feel any better when I was done, in fact I just felt empty and done, but I think a lot of that also has to do with the fact I'm sick and crying made it all worse. I have resolved to talk to her about everything that bothers me as soon as it happens so that I don't bottle up everything because I know a lot of it was her saying something and me taking it in the wrong way. And you have to talk about stuff like that or it ruins friendships.

On a more pleasant note, I felt nostalgic on facebook the other day and tried to find a bunch of people from my past. I was unsuccessful for the most part, but I was able to find someone who had been a really great friend who I had lost contact with because both me and him had moved around a lot in the same year. Anyways, now we are talking and catching up and it's been really great. I'm glad sites like facebook exist so that I can find people from my past like that. I am still on the look out for a couple of other people who I use to be really good friends with, but so many years have passed I type in a name and several people have the same name and I don't know what anyone looks like anymore. Oh well, I shall keep my head up and try my best.

I don't know, I think that is everything I really want to say for now. That wasn't quite as long of a post as I thought it was going to be, but I'm not ranting and raving because honestly I just feel empty right now and if I was mad I would have so much more to say but I'm glad I'm not because its not important. I'm done for now, will post more later.

Short little update

been sick past couple of days. Still not feeling great. Other than that, nothing new. Post again when im feeling better.

These Things I will Never Say...

So basically yesterday was worse than I ever thought it could possibly be. I almost lost a very important friend over something that should have never been discussed.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now that I wish I could say to some people, but I won't ever do it. I learned last night that acting on impulse is very bad, and it really is better to keep your mouth shut.

So for my list of things I will never say:

1. You know what? The world would be so much better if everyone was just honest with everybody from the get go about how they feel about them. Then people's feelings wouldn't get hurt.

2. Stop posting stuff on Facebook directed at certain people, say it to their face if you really have that big of a problem with them, don't make your issues public.

3. I am sorry I hurt your feelings but I felt that deceit in our "friendship" was the best way to go about things as I felt a mutual hatred between us and thought u felt the same way about me. My bad for misreading the signs.

4. I am really sorry about last night but everything I said I meant. You lied to me, and you lied to a very good friend of mine and hurt her deeply. I love you to death but I will never be able to fully forgive you for that because I am torn between two people who mean so much to me.

5. If you are going to change your opinion just because she is around, then don't bother talking about your issues with her in the first place. You set me up for failure and I don't appreciate it.

6. What, you have never had to kiss ass in your life? I find that highly unlikely as you wouldn't have any friends if you didn't occasionally know how to.

7. Why can't you just tell me to my face you hate me instead of making snide side little comments that very few people will fully understand and that just piss me off.

8. It's not right to threaten people, they could go to the police.

9. If you are going to say crap, at least back it up with action. If you can't do that then don't go around with a puffed up chest thinking you are such a great person.

10. I never liked you because I always felt that you hated me. I never felt like you wanted to hang out with me and felt used for my ability to drive. The only reason I ever hung out with you in the first place was because it was the only way to hang out with someone I actually wanted to see.

11. If we were such great friends, and you trusted me so much, how come you haven't contacted me in a year just to ask how I was doing and seeing if I had any free time to hang out with you. Maybe if you had done that I wouldn't have felt completely used.

So I know I am doing what i posted above shouldn't be done. But the only people who really read this already know the situation and if you are reading and don't, just consider yourself lucky. I will never have the guts to say these things to any of the people I want to say them to, and they are directed at several different people, so I just wanted to get them out of my system. If you have a problem with that you are free and clear to stop reading my posts.

I am still upset about yesterday as it takes me a long time to get over things. So please forgive me for sounding like a bitch, my posts will return to normal soon.... hopefully.

Pre-Valentine's Day Blues....

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, and I have been trying to avoid the thought of it. This is harder than you would think. I hate that its our second Valentines Day we have been together and yet both times we have been separated. I am just thankful he isn't in Iraq right now.

Valentines Day, to me, is not about the cards, the chocolates or the jewelry. It's not about the gifts you spend too much money on to buy each other. To me, It is simply spending time with that one person who I love more than anything else in the world. I don't care if I get a teddy bear or anything. I just want to be with him and feel his arms around me, protecting me, loving me. I want to hold him and have him hold me, and I would be perfectly happy with doing just that for an entire day. I know he loves me, but I want to feel that love. The phone calls are wonderful. I love the fact that I get to talk to him every night. But I wish that they weren't the only thing keeping me from going insane. I wish that I could see him more often. I wish that he wasn't stationed across the entire country thousands of miles away from me.

I would be so happy to curl up next to him and watch a horror movie. To have him threaten to scare me and act freaked out when I know deep down inside that he won't scare me at all. Instead he will hold me and not let me get too freaked out. I wish that I could give him a hard time for something idiotic and then have him poke fun at me until I am laughing so much my cheeks hurt. I wish things were different.

But the fact of life is that they are not. Life is the way it is and I have to deal with whatever it wants to throw at me next. I have to be separated from him now and In the future we will be together. I have to deal with these hardships now so in the future when we argue about finances I know we will be able to make it through anything because we made it through over a years long distance relationship. I stood by him while he was deployed and I plan to stand by him the next time he gets deployed. And the time after that, and the time after that. I will support him in his decisions like I know he will support me in my goals. I will always be waiting for him, no matter where he goes or how long he is gone for.

He has my heart, totally and completely. He is my whole world. I can imagine life without him and its torturous. I picture loosing him in any way and my breath catches and I cry. I love him so deeply that I will hold on to him with whatever I can and I believe he loves me just as much as I love him and feels the same way. We have our issues to work out... everybody does. But I know that we will make it through it because we are both strong and we love each other.

Valentines Day depresses me because all the above thoughts flow into my head and I know I am going to see many happy couples tomorrow. I will want to scream and cry, and probably glower at all of them. But I won't, I will ignore the longing I feel and I will continue on my way. I will be happy for all of my friends who are able to be with there loved ones tomorrow and I will try not to envy them too much. I will talk to him tomorrow night and I will not bring up the fact that it is Valentines Day. I will act like it is any other normal day and won't say anything I don't normally say. But inside I will be holding back tears and all the longing "I miss you so much" words. And when we say goodnight, I will hang up the phone and feel sad, but I will know that he is thinking of me and missing me too.

I don't know if I will post anything tomorrow. It will probably be a repeat of all that I already said. But who knows, I may end up posting something not too horribly depressing. Anyways, I'm done for now because I feel like moping. Night all, and I hope that everyone who reads enjoys their day with loved one to the fullest. Enjoy the day and try not to fight. Count all of the precious moments.

~Tamizan Rae~

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

 

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

 

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

 

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

 

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

This poem was found at:

Just another day...

I'm happy because last night I talked to Justin for maybe three hours. =D Yeah I'm pretty stoked about that. And then I think I fell asleep on him and that's something I almost never do because I just can't fall asleep with the phone to my ear but yeah, I think I did. I woke up today with the full intent of getting at least half of my homework done. Did that happen? NO. I was so tired from this past week I just lazed around all day. I am sooooo going to regret this tomorrow when my homework could have been basically done. That's what I get though for draining myself. So yeah, tomorrow, much regret will be mine. Anyways all I did today was hang with my mom and watch movies which was actually fun. We haven't done that together for a long time. So that's about all I have to post for today. Nothing happened. I feel a tad bit depressed because I was watching the last season of Gilmore Girls and it is always depressing. But yeah, anyways I'm done for now. I think this is one of my shortest posts. Catch ya later.

Little supernova's in my head....

I didn't get to sleep until around midnight last night and didn't need to wake up until almost nine this morning. I woke up at 8:25 to a text from Justin that simply said
"Say you'll haunt me by stone sour"
I responded with a
"?"
He said it was a good song and it sorta fits our situation. So I got up out of bed and turned on my ipod, because the computer was too far away, and found the song on YouTube. It was actually really good. I liked it immediately. And it does sort of fit our situation.
The lyrics are:

Stone Sour

Say You'll Haunt Me

Little supernovas in my head
Little soft pulses in my dead
Little souvenirs and secrets shared
Little of guard and unprepared

I was never good enough to find
I was never bad enough to mind
In the middle I will do my best
Take me in your arms and leave the rest

I will give you anything to

Say you want to stay, you want me to
Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me
I want to know I belong to you
Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

Little variations on my page
Little doors open on my cage
Little time has come and gone so far
Little by little who you are

I can see the patterns on your face
I can see the miracles I trace
Symmetry in shadows I can't hide
I JUST WANT TO BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE

I will give you everything to

Say you want to stay you want me too
Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me
I want to know I belong to you
Say you'll haunt me
(2x)

Together, together we'll be together, together forever
I BELONG TO YOU
(2x)

Little supernovas in my head
Little soft pulses in my dead
Little souvenirs and secrets shared
Little of guard and unprepared

I will give you everything to

Say you want to stay you want me too
Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me
I want to know I belong to you
Say you'll haunt me
(2x)

Together, together we'll be together, together forever
I BELONG TO YOU
(2x)

(Lyrics found at)

Anyways, Its a really good song and the music video is also pretty good. I find it on YouTube whenever I want to watch it, although today I also downloaded it from itunes and just finished putting it on my ipod.

So now I have another song to listen to whenever I especially miss him. So far my list consists of;

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Say You'll Haunt Me - Stone Sour

I'm Already There - Lonestar

Washin and Wondering - Stroke 9

Gravity - Vienna Teng

It's kinda an odd list, but I have my reasons for each song. Chasing Cars is the first song he told me to listen to before he got shipped to Iraq, and I listened to it throughout his deployment whenever I missed him. He sang it for me one time after he got back and we had just gotten over some issues, and it brought tears to my eyes to hear him sing it. I told you the reason for Say You'll Haunt Me above. I'm already there is a song he recommended and It makes me think of him just for all the lyrics. "I'm the whisper in the wind and I'll be there till the end" is probably my favorite line. Gravity has been a favorite song of mine for a long time, and I listen to it and it makes me think of him. And Washin and Wondering is just a kinda fun song that I sometimes think, yup, those are his thoughts. Its makes me smile for than anything.

Well, that's really it for songs right now... lol I can't believe I posted all of that. Oh well, it was bound to happen sometime right? All the videos are from YouTube.com.

Such a long day and all I want to do is sleep...

Today has been one of the longest I have had in a while. I feel like I was being pulled in twenty different directions while at the center I stood screaming. I just want to sleep but I know when I finally lie my head on the pillow I wont be able to sleep. I have to be up early in the morning to find a tutor for my practical accounting class and then I am hanging out with a friend. Today I had a midterm, took my cousin to daycare and got a haircut, had a doctors appointment, finished my accounting homework, and had dinner with a good friend and her family. I kept my mom up until 11 helping me because accounting just isn't my thing.

I told the doctor I was concerned about my eating habits because I don't eat much and when I do I try to eat healthy small portions. I should be getting food while I am out and about during the day, but I don't have the money to do that because a dollar here and a couple dollars there really adds up after a while and as I am currently unemployed I need to save my money for important things. So I'm thinking I'm going to have to start making a take out bag and carry it with me while I am out during the day so I make sure I am getting enough nutrition. I remember a year ago when I had a health kick. Those days the food was actually really good. But I still, in my heart, prefer junk food.

Anyways, wow I have typed way more than I intended to. This was suppose to be a real quick "Hi I'm doing good, bye" post and its turned into the length I usually have. Oh, Justin called tonight and he was so cute! First he did his "I'm really really tired yawn" which kinda sounds like chomper from the land before time, and then I did a happy noise thing (can't really describe what i sound like other than a squeak) and he said "There is no winning with you" to which I quickly wrote down the time and date he said it so in the future when he says I never win I can say "oh really, well that's not what you said on...." he he. I WIN! Of course that argument wont really fly when it happens cus he will just pretend to not know what I am talking about. But its OK, its our little game we play.

Anyways, I think I have said everything I really want to say, except for the fact I think I am over scheduling myself. But meh, oh well. Its what I gotta do right now. So I am going to say goodnight to you all and catch you later.

<3 TamizanRae

What a day!

Today has felt like the longest day I have had in a very long time. It all started off when my body decided to wake me up a whole hour and a half before I needed to be and I had gone to bed late the night before, so I had not a whole lot of sleep. When I finally did get up (after about an hour of laying in bed) I took a shower and attempted to use my hair rollers. Well that didn't exactly work out, and I became frustrated with the damn things. Then i decided to skip the makeup cus I was still upset with my hair and so I began to read my accounting chapter due this week. It was thankfully short although I have read it a total of two times now and still cannot tell you what it was about. After the chapter was read I had to pick up my cousin and take him to daycare and then I had a counseling appt. Well at that appt. I found out a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is I just have to take math 96 then 100. I don't have to take all the classes in between. The bad was I had to make another appt. with a different counselor in order to get my tutor. So that just adds another thing I have to do to my busy schedule so i set it for 9am on Friday. Then I had to make a hair appt. because I haven't had my hair cut in almost a year so that is set for Thursday at 1. They didn't have an opening at noon liked i had hoped for so I will be driving back to the area it was in for a second time that day. Let me tell u that uses up way too much gas but there isn't much I can do about it. Then when I get home tomorrow I need to do all my accounting homework and take the tests before I can go to a friends house for dinner. Anyways, after I got home today i ended up going to lunch with a friend and her family and then she came over to my house for a couple of hours and we watched Tarzan. Her son was crawling all over the place wanting to explore my house since he had never been here before but it wasn't exactly baby proof so I got to chase him all over. But I didn't mind he was so cute. After she left I went over to my bf's parents house and they talked to me about what Justin and my plans are and what I thought of everything and I explained I wouldn't be doing anything without a plan because I need plans and most likely nothing will happen until he moves down here and I am out of school. Then I drove his brother to an orientation at the local animal shelter and that took a good two hours/ish. While we were there Justin called so I stood outside talking to him and freezing my toes off for a half hour. But it was worth it =D. I did however talk to him about my thoughts and stuff and I probably shouldn't have because he is already stressed with what he has to go through. I just never know when is a good time to talk about that stuff so I decided to go for it since it was all fresh in my head after talking to his parents and it turned out to be the wrong day for it. He had been having a really bad day already and I just brought to the surface some things he didn't really want to think about. So then I felt horrible! He says I shouldn't but I still do. Maybe I should just write everything to him in a letter... I have his address now so I could probably do that. Then he wouldn't get it for a week or so and then he could read it whenever he had the time to face the things he doesn't want to face. Anyways, after I got home I had to take seven tests and write out my review for my midterm tomorrow and that was stressful. Now I'm done and writing on this blog which I have decided I will try to do everyday. So whooo! Anyways I'm really drained/tired/exhausted and so I think I'm going to hit the sack. Night all.

Busy as a Bee...

Or at least I feel like I am. Who knew February would be such a crazy hectic month? All of my finals are in the next two weeks, Plus I have homework piled on top of studying for my finals. I have class Tuesday and Thursday mornings and everyday except for Friday I take my cousin to daycare. I told Justin's little brother that I would take him to a training thing at the local animal shelter, but I forgot and accidentally scheduled to have a friend come to dinner that night. Then I had to cancel on that friend which really upset me because I hate when I double plan things (This is why a planner is a useful thing to have, I'm going to start carrying mine around everywhere with me). I felt really bad about having to cancel the dinner so in the future I am writing everything down so that I don't forget. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow to set up a tutor for my practical accounting class which I am currently failing. And then I am going over to my bf's parents house to visit with them before I take his brother to the animal shelter. Thursday I have a ton of homework due and I am going to attempt to get my haircut and Friday a friend and I are going up to Oak Harbor to do some shopping and sightseeing.

This weekend I am doing absolutely nothing but homework both days. Saturday I am doing my homework for the week of 2/14-2/18 and Sunday I am doing homework for the week of 2/21-2/25. It will take me all day to get the work done, but at least I wont have to be worrying about it during the week when I have other things to do. Monday I have to take my cousin to daycare but I don't think I have anything else planned right now... will probably end up doing more homework. Tuesday I have class and have to take my cousin to daycare, I might have a tutoring session that day. Wednesday I am watching my friends son because she has an appointment to go to a couple of hours away, and then she is going to join my family for dinner so that works out nicely. Thursday I am taking my cousin to daycare then I am driving the same friend and her some home and I am going to spend the weekend there helping her out around the house. I will drive home on Monday. I should already have that weeks homework done so hopefully I will be able to relax for a couple of days.

Anyways, that's just a layout of how busy I am... or feel at least. I know lots of people are probably a lot busier than me, but keeping up with college classes and attempting to have a life is not an easy job. I might be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off but at least I will be keeping busy which is so much better than not doing anything at all. When I do nothing I start to think and sometimes become depressed by the fact that Justin is so far away from me. So it is much better by far to keep myself busy, even overly busy, because then I don't let myself get depressed. =D And that is very important to me.

On a side note, the other day I bought huge Velcro rollers because I want to try and give my hair some sort of lift, or curl or body or something. I am a little afraid to try them out just because I don't want to look like a complete idiot. But I figure tomorrow while I have some time I will play around with my hair and make-up because that sort of stuff always cheers me up. I am really happy that I don't have class tomorrow. I will sleep until 9 at least, which is sleeping in for me. And I will get up and take a nice long hot shower and try to just center myself and relax a little. Then I will experiment with hair and make-up like I already said and continue with my day. Boy I'm ranting and raving again. When I start typing I just can't stop myself sometimes. It's a really bad habit that I have to start breaking myself of. Anyways, I'm going to attempt to break this bad habit by stopping here for the night. So I'm gonna say goodnight to all of you. Night <3

*Sigh* Another Day *Sigh* In my life....

So I woke up this morning with a killer headache. It felt like my head had been twisted around in my sleep last night. My neck was definitely kinked. I got up and got dressed and debated about how I was going to spend my day... I had to take my cousin to daycare so that took up a little bit of my time, and then I watched some of a drama... Eventually My grandmother came over and we went shopping. I had some gift cards I wanted to use up and so I went to target and got some of those big hair rollers, which i am going to try tomorrow morning, and I also bought two books. I don't like shopping by myself so it was nice I had my grandma to go with me. My mom had a doctors appointment so I made dinner, (I had to bribe my sister into helping me) we made a sort of baked macaroni and hamburger dish... it didn't taste all that great in my opinion but everybody ate it. Justin called and we talked for a bit, my phone tried dying on me while we were on the phone so I was running around the house like a chicken with it's head cut off looking for my charger before it died. Must have been a funny sight. Now I am bored again. That is a normal daily process in my life however and one I can never seem to get away from. I really should be reading my practical accounting but i don't want to. It's boring and I don't really get it. I'm going to have to get a tutor... so that will have me running around even more places and constrain my time just that much more. GEEZ i wish i didn't live at home still. I wish I could move away, far far away, and take care of myself. Struggle to pay bills, be a starving artist or something. I want to experience life. I mean really experience it and as long as I am living at home still I am not experiencing life.

I get really frustrated with my home life, like many do i am sure, and sometimes i just want to scream and throw a tantrum and break things, but I know that I can't really do that because although I am nineteen I am technically an adult. I can make my own decisions and that means I have to be responsible. I want to make a paycheck and buy my own groceries and clean my own house. I don't know if I want to be married right now, at this moment I would settle for having my own apartment. My room stuffed full of stuff would fill out a little one bedroom or loft apartment quite nicely. I feel like my life is the same thing everyday with very little change or routine. I wake up and go to class or take my cousin to daycare. I come home and procrastinate on doing my homework, and then I am in a rush to get it done. I spend my time doing useless things and the one true joy I have is when Justin calls me. Then he hangs up or falls asleep and I'm back to the monotonous life and when I do finally go to sleep I cannot fall asleep because I feel uneasy. I want some sort of change or variation. But I don't have it. I want some difference but I don't have it. I want to go out and do things but I don't.

Well look at this, this turned into one of those "woe is my life" posts. Isn't that just fantabulicious. I hate it when I do that and complain on and on about useless things that I cannot change. Maybe if I just met some new people that would add some variation to my life, but since I don't really see that happening anytime soon I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Anyways non of this is your problem. It's my problem. It's my problem that I have to deal with and I will. I just needed to let off some steam. Blech. I'm done now. Laters.

If only in my dreams...

If only in my dreams I could be with him again. Hold him and feel his warmth against my skin. If only the days would blend into one. Time would stop like it had never begun. If only I could be by his side. At this very moment with no mention of pride. Both our guards down and all walls crumbled. That one true moment of honesty when nothing else matters. Looking into his eyes and knowing what he thinks. Knowing that he loves me no matter the time or space. I miss him so much, I couldn't be more clear. He loves me as much as I love him, I can express it while he holds it within. I can be patient and I can wait. Because he is my soldier, I love him most dear. He is my only, forever, that is clear. I fear that one day he will leave my side, I cannot breath and only cry. My chest clenches and the water flows. Because of this I truly know that I will love him every day of my life. It does not matter how much i suffer because I know deep down in my soul. He was made for me and I for him. He is my whole world. He is my everything. And if tonight in my dreams, if only in my dreams, I can hold him for a moment then for that second I would feel complete.

If tonight I dreamed of my soldier, holding me in his arms wrapped tight. Protecting me with all his might. If tonight I dreamed of my soldier, who at this moment is far away, then I would feel blessed. If i dreamt of his voice, caressing my skin, like the drops of rain, I know that I would feel him although he is away. Sometimes I feel as if he is near me, and others I fear that I will lose him. I know he is mine, and together we work things out. I know that he loves me, and wants us to work out. I just wish that he wasn't so far away. So if tonight I dream of my soldier, I will be thankful for I know that he is dreaming of me.

I miss Justin very much right now. I just read online somewhere about one woman's experience of sending her man off on deployment. I wasn't there, to send him off. We were then, as we are now, across the country from each other. But as I read, I cried because I know the feeling she experienced. When he left me after his R and R and I was at the airport with him, sending him off. I felt many of the same emotions she had. I cried so much, and I know I made it harder for him to leave me, he told me himself. I remember we were standing in line and I was waiting for him to board the plain and I just wanted to hold onto him as tight as I could and not let him go. I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him but about the only words I could get out where "I love you". He started to respond but couldn't even finish because it was making it more difficult. I understand his point, and when they called his name I knew I had to leave before he even started to board the plain because if I watched I might have done something like begging him not to leave. So as he lined up I grabbed my bag and started walking away. He was standing next to another military man, and they were talking. He didn't look back at me, at least not that I saw, and after my last glance I turned and didn't look back because I knew I would have a hard enough time as it was. I am crying just remembering all the emotions I felt.

Justin hasn't called tonight, and because of the time difference and what time it is right now I don't think that he will be able to. It is selfish of me to want to talk to him tonight like I do every night. But I just feel so helpless and insecure when I don't hear his voice. I am so tempted to call his cell phone just to hear his answering machine but I do not want to wake him up if he is asleep because he had to get up really early this morning. I miss him so much and I know I am spoiled because I talk to him every night. I want to continue to be spoiled and hear his voice right now. I cannot. I'm not sure if I am suppose to text or call, but I will probably send him a text before I go to sleep just in the hope that he is having one of those nights where he just stays up late. The chances are slim but I am foolish enough to hope. He told me he may not be able to call, but I just really want to talk to him and have him reassure me that everything is alright because without that reassurance, and I know this is stupid, I have a hard time falling asleep and an even worse time staying asleep.

That being said, I believe I must go to bed because I must be up fairly early in the morning as I have things to do. I didn't get the homework done today that I wanted to accomplish because some things happened and I just felt like today was a really crappy day. So I watched Gilmore Girls and tuned out the world. I do that a lot when I have things on my mind that I do not want to think about, and today was just one of those days where I wanted to be anywhere but here. It had to do with my college expenses and how I was going to have to pay for them. Some things were said that made me feel like a huge leach on the household and the funds. Jobs are not easy to come by. Especially where I live and with the fact I have no experience, no degree, and no training. I cannot make a commitment to a job because I have made other commitments to family and friends. Someone told me they had to make sacrifices when they were my age and mentioned that maybe I wouldn't be able to fly out and see my "friend" again like i did at Christmas. Well I have news for you buddy, He is not just a mere friend. He is my BOYFRIEND and I am in LOVE with him. If I have the opportunity to see him I'm going to take it because it may be the only time I get to see him for many months at a time. So screw your sacrifices. I am making sacrifices. I have no life. I don't hang out with my friends hardly at all anymore. I wake up and go to school and come home and repeat the process the next day. When I do hang out with friends they come over to my house and I end up doing homework while they are over. So you can stuff your "sacrifices" because I make sacrifices every day of my life and I don't appreciate you reminding me of the fact that I am stuck here, unable to move out or pay my mother back when she has little money of her own. I feel like a worthless piece of crap. And this person made me feel that way with the things he said. I am seriously upset and agitated right now. So for tonight I am done with my ramblings and ravings and I will leave this blog for a post another day. Sorry for unloading that all on anyone who reads this but I feel a lot better letting out my frustrations if only that feeling better is for a little while. Goodnight world, may your dreams be filled with those you love tonight.

These are a few of my favorite things...

So I have decided to list some of my favorite things. First I am going to talk a little bit about my day though. I woke up at like noon, and then picked up my grandmother and headed down to Office Depot. I bought a couple of things there that I needed for school and then I came home and organized my magazines. After that I went to my grandmothers house and chilled there for a little while. Her and I have a really weird relationship. We get along great with each other as long as it is just me and her in the room. Put one other person in there with us and we start to get at each others throats. Anyways, after I got home from her house I let some of my sisters annoying friends in because she was sleeping and didn't hear the door ringing, and after they left I started on my homework. I didn't finish it until about an hour ago and my really good friend came over and now we are playing the sims2. So a pretty boring but fun day at the same time. Fairly productive I would say. Anyways onto my favorite things.

Movie: He's Just not that into you

Crying Movie: The notebook

Scary Movie: Ghost Ship

Foreign Movie: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Musical: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

Chick Flick: Bridget Jones Diary

Action Movie: Underworld

Based off a Book: The Three Musketeers

Book: Fire and Hemlock - Dianna Wynne Jones

Historical Fiction: Pendragon's Banner Trilogy - Helen Hollick

Romance: Rivers End - Nora Roberts

Series: Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling

Fantasy: Women of the Other World - Kelly Armstrong

Fiction: Regina's Song - David Eddings

Classic: Gone with the Wind - Margrett Mitchell

Vampire Series: The Vampire Chronicals - Anne Rice

Poetry: Collection of Poems - Emily Dickinson

Science Fiction: Prey - Michael Crichton

Song: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

80's Song: Total Eclipse of the Heart

Country: If I die Young - The Band Perry

Alternative: Braille - Regina Spector

Pop: All or Nothing - O'Town

Rock: Gravity - Vienna Teng

Movie Soundtrack: Crystal - Stevie Nicks

Color: Green

2nd Color: Brown

Crystal: Opal

Animal: Fox

Insect: Dragon Fly

Mythical Animal: Phoenix

Mythical Creature: Vampire

Religion: Wicca

Shoes: Boots

Accesories: Bags

Clothing: Jackets

Magazine: Cosmopolitan

Game: Mario

Scent: Cherry Blossom

Country (Other than U.S.): Japan

T.V. Show: Greek

2nd T.V. Show: Gilmore Girls

Taiwanese Drama: Devil Beside You

Korean Drama: Secret Garden

Japanese Drama: Gokusen 1, 2, 3

Um... I can't really think of anything else right now.... So thats all for now. I will probably end up posting more later. Byes!

Two posts in one day.... Le Gasp!

I know, two in one day, don't you just feel lucky. It feels like today has lasted a week. I woke up and had to do a presentation, so I was super nervous about it and looked at my note cards way too much. I think my PowerPoint looked alright though. Then after class I had to pick up my cousin and drive him to daycare, about an hour-ish drive round trip. Then I came home and watched a movie (which I already rambled about) Got a text from a friend saying she was in labor and deliver which worried me and caused me to freak out (she is ok). Then I procrastinated on my homework. Then I actually started my homework. Got frustrated with said homework. A friend came over to study but we ended up just visiting. More frustration because I again procrastinated. Then She left and Justin called. I got irritated with him although I'm pretty sure I was just taking what he said the wrong way because when I really think about what he said he really didn't say anything wrong and I just over-reacted which i have been known to do. Got off the phone with him and called my friend crying. Then I had to finish my homework and I got my moms help with that. Then I freaked out and started bawling again. Then I took the tests and cried a little bit now. Now I am here telling you just how much I cried today. You may be asking is it normal for you to cry this much? my answer would be it use to be, but not for a year or so. However, I have had a really long day. I feel drained of everything right now, including emotion. I love Justin but sometimes i just want to yell at him and then scream to myself and then curl up in a ball and cry. Because once I cry and sleep I feel a lot better about everything. So in the morning I will be fine but until then I just have to say that right now:

My heart is ice

I cannot cry

My emotions hide

I sleep inside

I wish on stars

And pray to gods

But in the end

Its all in vain

I feel trapped

Inside this body

I want to fly

Into the sky

Into the wide

unknown world

But i can't

because here I'm stuck

Until the day I can break away

I will continue

to wish each day

Well, that wasn't a bad poem considering I made it up on the spot. Please don't judge my talent by that, I have much better poetry on my other blog. look there if you will. My arm feels dead from all the typing I have done in the past couple of minutes, so I'm done for today, like really done. I'm going to leave it at that and say goodnight to everyone.

Yeah, I procrastinate.... So sue me.

So I am sitting in my room and I just got done watching the movie Legion. I think its a pretty good idea for a movie, sure some of the things they put in there were like "really? OK nothing new there, boring moving on." Like the little old woman who attacked the people. PLEASE! Do you know how many movies do that? I would have been more surprised if it was some punk rock chick or something. And the lines they used. OMG! Soooo cheesy. "You are the protector you always have been." "I didn't even want the baby" then later "give me back my baby". Then the whole thing with the ice cream truck and the ice cream man, and the little boy. It irritates me a little that they couldn't come up with something more original. About the only original/new idea I really saw through the course of the movie was the fact that it wasn't demons, but Angels. Now that was pretty cool. Having God's angels be all demonic like. But other than that I really didn't see anything about it that would give it a outstanding review. Come to think of it, I don't even know how the movie did in sales and theaters. Oh well not important. Moving on.

As my title says, I am procrastinating. I should be doing my Practical accounting homework. Instead I'm writing this blog. I don't even know why, it's not like anybody reads it or anything. OK so my post about operation sweetheart got some hits, but really I'm not all that surprised. Not that I am complaining or anything. Everyone has the right to choose to read this or not. Its just, if no one is reading then why am i writing? Its not like I don't have a diary I could write this stuff in. Sure typing is easier but if it was really all that important don't you think I would take the time to write it all out. I guess that's where we get to the point. It's not important. Its random and I tend to ramble and repeat myself. A LOT. I know I do this so really its more just for me to ramble on and on and on and hey, if people happen to read my ramblings great. If not that's cool too.

I was thinking about all this last night and telling a friend about it who also has a blog of her own. She was giving me ideas about what to write about and since my boyfriend is in the military a lot of her suggestions had to do with writing about how a military girlfriend feels and fears about choosing this lifestyle. Sure I may touch on these points every once in a while, but its not the main thing I want to talk about. No offense to all those people out there who have army wife, navy mom, marine girlfriend blogs. If that's what you want your blog to focus on, more power to you. It's not however what I want to focus on.

Yes, my boyfriend is military. He is a soldier and being separated from him is hard. I hate not knowing when I'm going to see him again and I refuse to dwell on my fears because then I might break down. Bottom line is I didn't fall in love with him because he is a soldier. If i had my choice in the matter I would have chosen any occupation but that. I remember being five years old and telling myself I was never going to fall for a soldier (OK so maybe five is exaggerating, but I was really young OK). I fell in love with him for the man he is. The fact he is a soldier and protects our country and its people, that's all great. I am very proud of him for choosing to serve. I'm just saying there is more to my life than being a military girlfriend. I feel like by now some of you may think I'm putting down the army and all the people affected by it. That is not my intent at all. I am trying to get my point across and I feel like I'm doing a horrible job of it. Justin is a soldier, I am proud he is serving in the United States Army, I will try not to dwell on the fact that he is always gone and may have to deploy again. I will use my blog to talk about other things (occasionally military girlfriend stuff) and just try to keep my mind off of the fact that the man I love is not near me. That he is in dangerous situations. And while I am proud of him I personally don't feel like shouting it to the world because then I get depressed.

I think I made my point. Not as eloquently as I would have liked true. In fact I feel as if what I just wrote is putting people down which really bugs me because that was not my intent. (See I've already said this and now I'm rambling again). I seriously have a deep respect for everyone in the military and those who are affected by it. Granted it's a new-found respect because before I got involved with Justin I hardly gave those people a thought, but the point is I see how hard it is and I can only imagine what it must be like for those who are married and have children who cry because mommy or daddy has to be gone. I feel like I'm botching up again. My thoughts are scrambled and not coming out clearly. Before I move on to another topic I am just going to say that I am really, really sorry If i offended anyone. It was not my intent. I have a deep respect for everyone who lives or is affected by a military lifestyle.

Now I'm going to move on before I bury myself a deeper hole. Lets go to school. School is a safe topic. I am taking four classes this quarter, three are online and one is on campus. I am going for an office administrative assistant degree. The classes are fairly easy and a lot of the time I feel like I'm re-learning things I already knew or that I should be going for a harder degree but I choose this one and I'm going to see it through. Hey at the very least it will get me a job, right? Hopefully anyways. I am really tired of writing. So I am going to leave it here for today. Again sorry if I offended anyone. Not my intent. I will post later.

Another day another......

I am sitting in my room, halfway through attempting to clean it and of course I get distracted. Its not easy to stay on task when I have so many different thoughts running through my head. I'm hungry first of all, but I don't have the drive to get up and make myself something to eat. It would be much easier if I had someone here with me to talk to and keep me on track. I'm listening to my favorite song, and it always gives me a small pain in my chest when I listen to it because its the song I listen to whenever I really miss Justin. I know I am lucky and I get to talk to him every night. I know that doesn't happen for a lot of military couples, and in that way Justin spoils me. I know its selfish but I don't want just a phone call from him. I want to be with him. I want to make dinner for him when he comes home after a long days work. I want to argue about what movie we are going to watch and over his stupid call of duty video games. I wish I could be with him every minute of everyday because I never stop thinking about him. He is always on my mind and I always miss him. I know we can't live together right now, and we can't even be in the same state but sometimes long distance relationships are just so tough. Not because I'm tempted to cheat or anything but because I just miss him so much. I miss him wrapping his arms around me and I miss feeling that safety and contentment that comes with it. I miss it when he pokes fun at me and then I get flustered and he calls me cute which makes me more flustered. Its just not the same over the phone and last night when we tried to webcam the sound was messing up so I couldn't hear him and he had to call me. I don't know what I'm going to do if he gets shipped overseas again. That one is going to be tough because I wont get to talk to him hardly ever. I just miss him, and I know I am rambling and repeating myself but I MISS HIM! He is my whole world he is my everything. I just wish some things could be different but I know I have the patience to wait for the situation to get better.