Day 65

I can't do this right now, i feel too week and worn out. Of course I will do it, and I will make it through and i will have my breakdown and then build myself back up, its just so hard right now. Ive been crying non-stop for the past half hour. I am so tired of this distance, i want it to go away right now and I want to have my love in my arms where i can feel him and just hold him! God Damnit, I hate nights like these, nights where i just feel worthless and like there is nothing i can do right in the whole entire world and i am just a pain in everyones neck and i should just dissapear. I dont want to be here right now! I want to be with him, where i dont feel so alone all the time, where i can laugh with him and watch him fall asleep, rub his back and sing a soft tune until he was in dreamy bye land. I want to wake up and have him kiss me good morning, and I dont want to be alone! But i have to be patient and I have to wait just a little bit longer and then all the waiting will have been completely worth it. Right now i just need to have a day where I feel like crap because there is nothing i can do and I am in control of nothing. I hate school, I can't find a job, and im so broke i can't even buy my love a birthday present to make up for the fact that I wont be there! I wont be there when he turns 23, and i wont be there for our two year anniversary and I wont be there for christmas or new years. I will be here and all i can do is smile when we webcam even though it kills me to see him and not be able to touch him. I have to suck it up and deal because this is what we have to deal with right now. I love you baby with all of my heart and I can't wait until I can hold you in my arms once again. I know there will always be nights like these when we are apart, and i promise i can do this. I can stay strong. Just let me break once in a while and build myself back up. We can do this together. I love you so very much. Have an amazing day and I really hope to talk to you in the morning when im not so emotional.