... and today is one of those days. Well, it technically started yesterday but whatever. So after realizing that I had nobody near me that I really wanted to see who was available, I began to think once again about what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I know I have already talked about this but its a very pressing issue on my mind. See all I wanna do is have a family and stay home taking care of the kids and the house. Not very practical in this day and age I know. So I have to get a job and take care of me. I gotta move out of my house and start living on my own. I want bills, I want a paycheck, I want a place that is mine and not my parents. And I guess if I'm truly being honest, I wanna be wherever he is. Because I love him, because I miss him, and because he makes me happy. And right now I am anything but happy with my whole life.
I wake up every morning and I feel half empty. I go through the motions of the day just waiting for something to happen to make me feel whole again. Sometimes, something happens to make me feel just a little bit better, then reality sinks in and I wanna just curl up and sleep for a couple of years. Maybe if I did that, when I woke up everything would be better. But you see, I know that's not true. Nothing would be better because nothing can get better without someone stepping foreword and taking action.
There are several ways to solve my dilemma and each one is whirling around inside my head. I don't particularly feel like sharing because all the plans are half baked and I want to be sure before I do something or say something. I miss having a goal in life so I must create a new one. Right now everything is so confusing and knotted up in my head that I just need to take a breath and lay out everything. Lay out all my options and just pick one that (well I think anyways) will make me the most money. When I have that plan all figured out I will let you know but until then... I guess this is just my "Woe is me post".
~Tamizan Rae
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